Up until about five years ago, I had a fairly noticeable red streak in my hair. It was bright enough that people would comment on it -- even hairdressers would accuse me of dying it like that on purpose.
"Totally natural," I'd reply proudly, enjoying their surprise and compliments about how cool it was.
Part of me knew that it wouldn't be red forever.
Like the red streak, little if any of my life stayed the same. On most days, I wonder if people who knew me as an acquaintance or so-called-friend back 5-10 years ago would even recognize me. On other days, I'm not even sure if I recognize myself.
I think about the changes that come about when a woman becomes a mother, and I imagine that at some level, we all become different people. However, I wonder if I have become the person I'm supposed to be, or if I just lost the person that I was and took on a new persona.
I don't consider myself stuck in the past, although when you've got a toddler strapped to your leg and another one on the way, it's easy to reminisce about late nights out dancing at clubs, whooping it up at various concerts, and spending way too much time trying to figure out what to wear – you know, when times were easier, feelings were lighter, and my biggest worry was whether my dog had pooped on the floor while I was away at work.
When people see my streak now, all they see is white. It turned that way about five years ago. And there's no shortage of people who say something lovely like "Oh wow, you are really going gray!" or "Did you know you have a lot of white hairs?"
Up until recently, I'd be trying to dye it back every now and then, or I'd comment "You know, it used to be bright red…" I'd go on about how cool it was. How original and unique.
I sometimes wonder if motherhood has taken away all my color. If I'm doomed to remind people about how I was "way back then." Or is it that white is my new color – that motherhood has allowed me (or is forcing me) to paint a new picture of who I am and who I will be.
This new year I'll remember my red streak fondly and attempt to start embracing the white one. Not for what it was, but for what it is. The new me – still the same, but with new colors.
Kristen is mother to a toddler and one on the way. She blogs more than she sleeps at Motherhood Uncensored (where you'll find Erin today), The Mom Trap, and Cool Mom Picks.
13 comments:
What a great metaphor. It's true that parenting changes each of us dramatically. I think that there is freedom along with that, along I haven't quite embraced it either.
Nice post.
A white streak? That doesn't remind me of the X-men's Rogue at all. :-) Which, of course, makes a white streak ten times cooler than a red streak.
Just found your blog and wanted to say hello, and that a) my best friend has a white streak which I have always envied - I think it's wicked sexy :) and b) I'm a new mom myself and just starting to grapple with some of the ideas you're mentioning here about who I am now and who I used to be. Great post!
Children have a funny way of draining everything out of you. I constantly struggle with wondering what happened to my former creative and youthful self, who now is caught up only in the daily domestic struggles both at work and home.
A red streak? That's fantastic. Mine went straight from brown (like all the rest of my hair) to white. At 22. Oh well.
Girl, you've got plenty of colour, streaking all the way through, shining all the way out.
Stop me before I start going on about rainbows.
People are always talking about all the grey hair I have already and I just tell them they're from my husband :)
Motherhood is tough - a lot tougher than anyone ever lets on, me included. I, too, sometimes miss the "good ol' days" but at the same time I wouldn't want to do them all over again either.
After baby #2 arrives, and you get the little one sleeping through the night, you need a wild night out, and then when you wake up in the morning with a killer hangover you'll be grateful you don't do that stuff every night anymore :)
I hear you. I still think about days gone by, and I'm a better person because of my past. And the present is soooo much better.
My hubby has a lot of grey hair. 3 years ago one of my cousins thought he was 41. Um yeah. 31.
I love that you wear your badge of motherhood with pride!
I try to view my gray hairs and c-section scars as my badges of motherhood. I have to admit though that they are hard to get used to, just like motherhood has been for me.
Embracing the now is a new theme for me, and one I'm not particularly good at. Thanks for reminding me that I need to focus more on the now, even as I pine for the 'then.'
My baby sucked all the red highlights out of my hair, too.
At least he's a redhead, though, so I feel like he put it to good use.
The good thing about now being a dishwater blonde with no red highlights is that no one notices my gray hairs ;)
Anyway I think people with striking gray streaks look hot. The next time someone comments, tell them you dyed it to copy Stacy London from What Not to Wear.
That is so awesome. I really enjoyed reading this, I've learned a lot and had fun with the BE, too.
And I wish I had a red streak in my hair. I've dyed my hair so much I don't really know what my natural color is!
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