This sucks. I hate it.

I had the words of the title marching through my head last night like a mantra.

Emily was having a hard time with her asthma and I didn't know what to do to help her. Worse yet, there was little I could do that would help her.

She's had a bit of a cold for the last week or week and a half, but nothing that was enough to concern me. I was treating her with her albuterol and flovent inhalers and she seemed to be improving.

And then last night, when we put her to bed, she started coughing. And coughing and coughing. And she couldn't stop.

I gave her three puffs of her albuterol inhaler (two is her normal dose) and two puffs of the flovent inhaler, plus some cough medicine (yes, I know, not allowed in kids under 6. You'd have done it, too). I propped her up on two pillows and gave her some water to drink, trying to break the coughing cycle.

That seemed to help for a while and I was hopeful that the night would be smooth once she fell asleep.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. She continued to cough and cough and cough. I brought her out to give her a nebulizer treatment at 1030 and she coughed up some phlegm.

Again, I was hopeful. I thought with the goo out of her throat and the neb on board, she might feel better and go to sleep.

I went to bed and laid there, listening to her cough. And worse, listening to her gasp for breath as she tried to cough.

I got her out of bed again, intending to take her outside to get some cold air in her lungs, hoping that would help.

As I got her up, I noticed that her water bottle was nearly empty. I took her into the bathroom to refill it and she coughed up another bunch of phlegm (which, have I mentioned how much I HATE that word? Ugh - so gross.) I cleaned her up with the hand towel we have next to the sink and then was thankful I had it in my hands when she puked up a REALLY big glob of goo. And then she threw up.

I took her outside after all of that, but it wasn't very cold out and I don't think it did much to help her.

What really helped, was getting all that phlegm out of her throat so the poor kid could breathe.

I put Emily back to bed and went to bed myself, but of course, I couldn't sleep.

I laid in bed, listening for coughing from the other room. And in the absence of coughing, I thought about what I should do today. Do I take her to the doctor? Do I send her to the birthday party she was supposed to attend today? Why do my kids seem to be perpetually sick?

And so on.

I hate this. Asthma can kiss my ass.

This totally sucks. I hate that I can't make my kids feel better. I hate that they have this affliction that makes them more likely to get sick. AND when they do get sick, more likely to get REALLY sick.

I hate that I am forever walking the line between being reactionary and taking my kids to the doctor and being conservative and trying not to take the kids to the doctor for every little cough. I hate that I have to consider how much a trip to the doctor is going to cost and weigh that against how sick I think the kids are.

I hate that my kids seem to be sick ALL THE TIME. We had about a week break between the last cold and this one starting up. A week, where both kids were relatively healthy.

I hate that my daughter was suffering last night and there was precious little I could do to help her. Sure, I can give her nebulizer treatments and I can prop her up in bed, but the thing that helped her the most? Was the thing she did on her own; horking up the loogie that was causing all the trouble to begin with.

I ultimately decided Emily was NOT going to the party (the hostess has a small baby and the LAST thing she needs is my kid sharing germs with hers) and WAS going to the doctor.

I ran the Fabulous Dr Sara through the events of last night, and felt myself getting all worked up about them again. Just talking about it made my stomach get all tense and upset. Dr Sara said she thinks that there was a sinus component to last night's fun and so she put Emily on an antibiotic. She also told me to give Emily the Orapred we have on hand* tonight if she has another episode like last night's. She also suggested I try some chest PT on Emily if she has trouble tonight.

*And that's another thing I hate. My kid has a standing prescription for oral steroids. It gets refilled without question, whenever I ask. Because without it, Emily's coughing can get so out of control, she can't breathe.

Have I mentioned that I hate this? And it sucks?

The attack Emily had last night was by far the worst she's had in a while and that's great. I'm glad she's been healthy for a while. I'm glad that I was there. Glad that she came out of it before midnight. Glad that she didn't have to go to the hospital. Glad that I had medicine on hand that would make her more comfortable. Glad that we can take her to the doctor and get her prescriptions when she needs them.

But it still sucks that I have to do any of that to begin with.